It was the third night my husband was out of town. I just finished watching a waste-of-time chick-flick (didn't even cry) and crawled into bed. I looked at the clock. It was 3AM and I still wasn't tired. I decided to write in my journal.
As I wrote about my day, I thought I saw something in the hallway, just outside my door. I put my journal down and squinted at the darkened doorway, unable to see beyond my lit room. Convincing myself it was nothing, I returned to writing in my book. I had been thinking about the origin, the essence, and the potential of character lately.
Reflecting on my own personal character, I began to write a "To-Be" list, rather than a "To-Do" list. I write kind, selfless, loving, and faithful on my paper. Then a noise from the dark hallway interrupts train of thought. I started to feel nervous, but again told myself it was nothing. I would be fine if I just focused on my me and my well-lit room.
I continue my list: Joyful, humble, obedient, dedicated, focused, and giving.
My eyes darted up to the door. I couldn't see anything, but I wondered if there was something out there. I thought about getting up and turning on the hall light, but now it was close to 4AM, and my nervousness was replaced by fatigue.
I finished my "To Be" list with honest, wise, courageous, hard-working, and disciplined. Satisfied, I put my journal away and sunk deep into my bed. The easy part was done. The hard part was figuring out the "To Do" list that will help me to "be" all of those things. Thoughts of all the things I could and should be doing filled my head, from studying the scriptures, to saying more sincere prayers to being a better mother and so on. I started to feel overwhelmed. Not only was I not close to everything I wanted to Be, but there was no way I could do all the things I thought I needed to Do to become who I want to be.
I pulled the covers up to my chin, and glanced at the doorway once more, still not able to see the dark hallway, but too tired now to care. I reached up at turned off my bed-side lamp. As my bedroom fell dark, I realized I could then see into hallway, which was lit by the natural light of the moon.
I stared through my dark room into the lit hallway, thinking about my insurmountable "To-Do" and "To-Be" lists,and how I could possibly do and be all of those things, when - boom!- the answer hit me so hard I sat up in bed. It was so simple, so obvious.
When my light was on, I could see only what was in my own room. Only when I turned my light off was I able to see what was beyond my room. The light in the hallway hadn't changed, but my ability to see the hallway had changed.
As I lay in bed, the Spirit whispered this simple truth: To be the person I want to be, all I need to do is change my focus from myself to others. As I do that, I will be able to see those around me in a clearer light, serve them according to their needs and not my desires, and love them for who they are. Only through selfless service and love I will become like my Savior.
I grabbed my journal and recorded my epiphany and gratitude for personal revelation. Is showed me once again that God is always wanting and waiting to give me the answers and direction I need when I need them. Sometimes I just have to turn the light off to hear Him.
